Sunday, May 31, 2009

Secretary Of The Button Named By President Obama

Feature Articles:

President Obama Names Hooknose McGee As Secretary Of The Button

Senate Holds Hooknose McGee Confirmation Hearing

Some events of global proportion take place in hushed silence with only a few individuals worldwide having a decision-making role or direct involvement. Billions of lives are forever changed with one stroke of a pen or one push of a button. This is the story of one such event, which unfolded over the course of several weeks, and may end, for better or worse, in the blink of an eye.

President Obama Names Hooknose McGee As Secretary Of The Button

“It is with much enthusiasm, and great expectations,” President Obama informed the nation at a televised Rose Garden announcement, “That I inform the citizens of this great country that our economic woes may soon be a thing of the past. The Universal Intergalactic Bank has for the past two months been in secret negotiations with our own Treasury Department to make a deposit of an unimaginable amount of money in a United States bank for a brief moment of time. In one second, the interest earned by this deposit would be 31,628 trillion dollars. I call on each and every American, and indeed, every inhabitant on Planet Earth, to use this money wisely. I have named Hooknose McGee to be the new Secretary of The Button. On June 1, 2009, at 9:00 a.m. Pacific Standard Time, Hooknose McGee will be seated inside the soundproof glass booth at Santa Monica Bank. When the yellow Funds Available light comes on, Hooknose McGee will have three seconds until the red Deposit button lights up. Then Hooknose McGee will press the red Deposit button, then Hooknose McGee will immediately, as quickly as possible, press the green Withdrawal button. The amount of time that elapses between the pushing of these two buttons will be the amount of time the enormous deposit of Intergalactic funds will earn interest. The interest the deposit funds will earn is only one trillionth of one trillionth of one trillionth of one percent of the principal of one vigintillion dollars, that is a one followed by 63 zeroes, the value of the known Universe.”

“I know there are others out there,” President Obama continued, in a spirit of amelioration, “Now listening to this announcement, who wish that they could be nominated by me to be the Secretary of The Button. But I have full confidence in Hooknose McGee. My decision has been made. This is a historic event. I call on each and every American to let this unprecedented event unfold as I just described. Our world will be a better place for it. And as I have told you repeatedly, please cover your mouth when you cough, so that the spread of the Swine Flu is halted.” The President then left the Rose Garden with aides in tow without taking questions from the Press.

Senate Holds Hooknose McGee Confirmation Hearing

Senator Chris Dodd asked Hooknose McGee the quintessential question. “What qualifies you to push the button that will impact the economic stability of Planet Earth for the next 500 years?”.

“Well, Senator Dodd,” replied Hooknose McGee, straightening out the left sleeve of his NASA T-shirt. “It is a combination of things. I have been pushing buttons since I took typing in junior high school in 1962. I have pushed a lot of buttons in my time. My cousin has a dog named Buttons. I have sewed buttons back on shirts myself when they break off. And I do not have button dyslexia. I can promise the Senate and the American people that I will not confuse the red Deposit button with the green Withdrawal button.”

“Have you given much thought, Hooknose McGee,” asked Senator Reid, “To the consequences of your actions in the event you allow more than one second of time to elapse between the time you press the two critical buttons, the red Deposit button and the green Withdrawal button?”.

“Before you answer that, Hooknose McGee,” interrupted Congressman Barney Frank, “I want to apprise you that each of the four lawmakers here are intentionally articulating the phase ’red Deposit button’ as well as the phrase ’green Withdrawal button’ with the intention of drilling into you, the prospective Secretary of The Button, the nomenclature and the logistics of this extremely critical operation. Failure is not an option, is this understood, Hooknose McGee?”.

“Congressman Frank, relax,” replied Hooknose McGee. “Everything is under control. It is almost as though I am on automatic pilot. Just think of it as a red light. All drivers who stop at a red light, wait there until the light turns green, then they go. So on the big day, in that soundproof glass booth at Santa Monica Bank, I will see the red Deposit light come on, I will press it, then I will press the green Withdrawal light. Just like driving a car. And to answer your question, Senator Reid, regarding the consequences of allowing more than one second to elapse between the two button pushes. Well, no, as a matter of fact, I had not given it much thought. I am much too young to have slow reflexes. Heck, I’m just a pup. It’s too early for me to crawl under the porch. Believe me, Senator Reid, it will all go down in under a second. And if, by some quirk of malfunction or whatever, more than one second of time elapses between the Deposit and the Withdrawal, the amount of money that will be dumped on Planet Earth by our benevolent visitors from another Galaxy will be trillions of tons of money. It could be a fire hazard. It could spawn hurricanes and typhoons. The sky might turn green if trillions of tons of greenbacks are unleashed into the air space over the United States at the push of a button.”

“Hooknose McGee,” Senator Richard Shelby admonished sternly, “You failed to mention the side effects of billions of tons of fumes that would be disseminated by paperback currency ink polluting the air stream and causing congestive problems for the elderly constituents in my jurisdiction. You need to acknowledge that is a viable concern.”

“My response to the questions of this Congressional panel, to this point has been singular,” responded Hooknose McGee, “When I say the elapsed time between the Deposit and the Withdrawal will be less than one second, I mean exactly what I say, Senator Shelby. Your elderly constituents will be back working crossword puzzles and playing shuffleboard in no time. I have a duty to make the Deposit of the Intergalactic Bank funds as brief as possible, because doing otherwise could have a devastating impact on the lives of billions of people on earth. A quick and painless Deposit and Withdrawal is what I am resolved to accomplish. America and the World can depend on me. I am a button pusher for the Ages. No pressure. No pressure. Rest easy, gentlemen, the Rolls Royce of button pushers is in town.”

“Is there anything we can do,” inquired Senator Chris Dodd, “To enable you to perform this task to the best of your ability, and to minimize any chance of foul-up?”.

“Yes, there are a few measures that can and should be taken, in my opinion,” replied the as-yet unconfirmed Secretary of The Button Hooknose McGee. “I have already been through a grilling 14-hour orientation by the Federation of Intergalactic Banking on how to push the red Deposit button and then quickly push the green Withdrawal button. So I am prepared on the big day. But I am not quite in my comfort zone, and I need a few aesthetic adjustments in order to feel perfectly at ease and at a 100 percent confidence level on the morning of June 1, 2009 at Santa Monica Bank.”

“All right, we knew this was coming,” stated Congressman Barney Frank, starting to get annoyed. “Our background investigation suggests that your Comfort Zone is a storage shed and a package of Top Ramen noodles. But we cannot risk anything going wrong, so we need to hear your list of demands, not for your sake, but for the sake of 300 million Americans and 6,783,000,000 people on Earth. So what do you need, Hooknose McGee?”.

“I need a complete makeover,” Hooknose McGee blurted out, seeing his chance of a lifetime to get some major flaws surgically repaired. “Honorable Senators and acceptable Congressman, please see it from my perspective. How can I push THE BUTTON in good conscience when I do not feel totally comfortable with the whole world watching? I want to get my teeth fixed, gold crowns on my ground down molars, and all the misalignment straightened back up. And I will need scalp enhancement surgery for the hair loss of the past 30 years. I need the Government to also step up to the plate now and pay for my long-delayed Princess Carol The Tenth tattoo. I cannot stay at the Beverly Hilton. I need to stay at the storage shed at Santa Monica Bank. Hold on, I’m almost through with my list of things needed to go forward in my Comfort Zone. I need the Government to lean on JBQ hard for that gold Hall of Fame ring he has delayed 15 years awarding to me. Get him for back taxes or something, whatever it takes, I need that ring. I should be wearing it when I press those buttons on June 1, 2009. Also, I have always wanted to meet Janet Evans. If something goes wrong with this procedure, I could die of excessive wealth without ever meeting Janet Evans. So if it please this Congressional panel, I need Janet Evans there for moral support at this big event in a twin soundproof glass booth eight feet away, adjacent to the soundproof glass booth I will be in when that red Deposit light comes on. Now, one final thing. After this is all over, I want to be taken by limousine from the front lawn of Santa Monica Bank to Dinah’s Restaurant in Westchester for a large gourmet apple pancake and a Dinah burger, and it would be nice if Janet Evans gets to go too. That is all.”

“All? Hooknose McGee, your Wish List may run $70,000 and take a team of a dozen professionals to accomplish. Senator Reid, do we have that much in the General Fund?” asked Senator Richard Shelby.

“This is not a General Fund issue, Senator Shelby, this is a chance in a lifetime for a full recovery for the Global economy. Gentlemen, the wish list of Secretary of the Button To Be Hooknose McGee is hereby granted.” Senator Harry Reid decreed.

(c) 2009 by Hooknose McGee

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