$2 Coffee Mug In The Rain

The pictures above show: Doll Aurora (as it turned out that the picture she had faxed from her space module was of her daughter, Bennie Fitz); Janet Evans, the Olympic swimmer; the Santa Monica Bank coffee mug, full size and close up; and Dinah’s Restaurant, on the outside and on the inside, featuring the luxurious imitation red upholstered booth.

You may wish to read two or three previous posts to fully experience the drama and the suspense of Planet Earth being rescued by financial benefactors from another World.

I Propose A Toast To A Previous Post

Doll Aurora Calls Hooknose McGee On The Red Telephone
(posted June 1, 2009)

Duncan Crashes The Party
(second half of the June 1, 2009 post)

President Obama Names Secretary Of The Button
(posted May 31, 2009 post)

$2 Coffee Mug In The Rain

As the limousine drove away from the curb in front of Santa Monica Bank, Hooknose McGee turned to the Olympic swimming champion. “Janet, you were so far ahead of the other swimmers in your prime. I wondered if your records would stand up forever, but as they say, records were meant to be broken.”

Janet Evans came back with a witty remark. “And if you had not timed The Button push just right, and had drawn two seconds of interest, 190 cubic miles of one dollar bills would have come rocketing out of the sky, and broken a lot of the Record King’s records he has in his warehouses located around the country.”

Hooknose McGee laughed. “It would have hit with the force of a nuclear blast and taken out a lot more than record warehouses. It looks like you have been following this story on CNN for the past couple of weeks.”

“Yes, I have.” Janet Evans acknowledged. “Your background of having imaginary children and being strange, makes you one of our planet’s most likely candidates to be contacted by the outer space people. Now we, of all people, get the unique experience of meeting Doll Aurora. I hope we can be invited for a short ride in her space module.”

“I will not yet have recovered from meeting you, Janet,” Hooknose McGee observed, philosophically, “Before I meet Doll Aurora. We are almost at Dinah’s front door. Could I have your autograph before we get there?”.

“Sure thing,” Janet Evans replied. She took out a page of paper from her leather briefcase. It bore the letterhead of the Santa Monica Hyatt Hotel. She jotted some words down on the sheet of paper and handed it to Hooknose McGee.

Hooknose McGee read the written words aloud, “To Hooknose McGee, I hope you meet up with a girl from another planet who takes you home to meet her parents. Best wishes, Janet Evans.”

Hooknose McGee considered Janet’s bizarre suggestion, and commented, “And maybe this girl from another planet could co-sign for me to buy a space ship, and I could make payments. Every time I travel several light years away to visit her, I could bring back a cargo of diamonds or gold to pay for the trip.”

The limousine pulled into the parking lot of Dinah’s and dropped off the Olympic swimming champion and the Secretary of The Button. They walked to the front door, at arm’s length. Hooknose McGee opened the plate glass door and Janet Evans stepped inside, followed by her long- time secret admirer. They were seated by the hostess at a red booth.

The manager of Dinah’s, Abdul Rahmeen, came to their red booth. “Hello, Janet Evans,” he stated. The Olympic swimming champion smiled at the manager. “Hooknose McGee,” he said, “It is so nice to see you. Why have you taken so long to come back and partake of our fine cuisine? It has been 15 years since you last visited.”

“Well, actually, Abdul,” Hooknose McGee explained. “I was here for breakfast this morning. And what a scrumptious repast it was. But, of course, it had been about 15 years since I had previously been here, and I sure did miss my weekly trip to Dinah‘s and walking the shoe in the industrial area next door.”

“Well, I did not come to work today until 9:00 a.m., and everyone was watching The Button push on CNN on our large screen television. So I missed you this morning. You did a great job, and you handled the pressure well, from what I could see. I want to ask you for a favor, if you will be so kind as to provide me with a picture to put on our celebrity wall.”

Janet Evans’s face turned red, “What am I, Abdul, chopped liver?”.

Abdul Rahmeen turned to the Olympic swimming champion. “Janet, dear, liver is out of season right now. But can I interest you in a Dinah burger?”.

The manager looked at Hooknose McGee in anticipation of his reply to the request for a picture. “Well, Abdul,” Hooknose McGee replied, matter-of-factly. “You can go to my blog post, and in the left hand column you will find my photo. Right click on it and have it enlarged to 10 X 14 size and that will be suitable for your celebrity wall.”

A waitress in a yellow Dinah’s uniform with a white sash came to the red booth and said, “Hi. I am Earline. I will be your server today. May I take your order?”.

Hooknose McGee replied, “Janet has not been here before, so I will place our order. We will have three Dinah burgers, with tomatoes, lettuce, pickles and onions, extra onions, mayonnaise, Tabasco hot sauce, and Heinz 57 sauce. And for dessert, because we will have the Dinah burgers first while the pastry item is baking, we will have a large gourmet apple pancake toasted to a golden brown, with butter and maple syrup, and we will have three Dinah’s coffee mugs for coffee, and three glasses of water.” Earline wrote this all down on the order tablet, went to the counter in front of the 8 foot by 3 foot grill where two cooks were preparing 17 customer orders simultaneously, and attached the paper sheet to the carousel of metal clamps so it would be prepared in the order it was received.

“You must have been a regular here,” Janet Evans said to Hooknose McGee. “You have that order memorized word for word.”

“Well, Janet,” Hooknose McGee answered, “There is no place in the whole world quite like Dinah’s. Monday is all-you-can-eat fried chicken night. And the rolls they have are so tasty, they probably cause cancer.”

Through the large plate glass window of Dinah’s Restaurant, a strange-looking flying craft appeared in the sky, descending at a low rate of speed. It landed gently in the parking lot of Dinah’s. It was about 40 feet in diameter, pulsated with a greenish hue, and was etched in purple on the circular perimeter. A door receded upwards into the roof area, a set of small steps folded down to the asphalt-covered ground, and out stepped the visitor from another world. But she did not look like the picture that had been faxed to Hooknose McGee during his conversation with Doll Aurora on the Red Telephone. She was attired in an old-style dress with ornate sleeves, such as would have been worn by women in 1905.

Soon Doll Aurora joined Hooknose McGee and Janet Evans at the red booth. Hooknose McGee stood up, respectfully, until Doll Aurora was seated. Hooknose McGee was on one side of the semi-circular red booth, Janet Evans was in the middle, at arm’s length from the Secretary of The Button, and Doll Aurora was on the other side, at arm’s length from Janet Evans. Doll Aurora added cream to her coffee cup. Janet Evans spoke first.

“I like your dress,” Janet Evans said to the lady from a distant Galaxy, studying the antiquated, ankle-length, long-sleeve grayish cotton gown worn by Doll Aurora. “I notice it is historic, rather than contemporary.”

Earline appeared at their red booth with the three Dinah Burgers.

Hooknose McGee said to Earline, “Can I please have some Tabasco hot sauce and Heinz 57 sauce?”.

Earline replied, “I can get you some hot sauce, but it is not Tabasco brand. But the Heinz 57 is already on the table.” Then Earline left to attend other customers. The three began to eat their Dinah burgers.

Hooknose McGee said, “Doll Aurora, on our planet, we sprinkle on a couple dashes of hot sauce, a teaspoon or so of Heinz 57 sauce, stack up the extra onions, some salt and pepper and then, after three minutes of prepping the Dinah burger for consumption, we can actually eat it.”

“This Dinah burger is really quite good,” Janet Evans said.

“I haven’t had a meal like this since I stopped at a Galaxy 158 light years away and went to the Dinah’s there,” Doll Aurora said. “Janet, you asked about my dress not being contemporary. Well, at the time I began my journey to Planet Earth, it was contemporary.”

“Doll Aurora, may I ask you,” Hooknose McGee inquired, “Why is it that the real you does not look quite like the picture you faxed to me?”.

“Well, the picture I faxed to you was of my beautiful daughter, Bennie Fitz. I wanted you to think she was one of my 114 sister clones, but she is a laboratory-enhanced mutation sent to earth by laser beam 25 years ago, before I arrived here to rescue your planet from economic collapse. But she has the same giving spirit that I have.”

“I just knew Bennie Fitz was Heaven-sent,” Hooknose McGee commented. “She sure helped me a lot. Because of Bennie Fitz, I was able to eat and have a place to stay, and get a clothes line to hang my clothes that I got at the thrift store out to dry. Thank you for sending her into my life.”

“You are welcome, Hooknose McGee,” Doll Aurora replied. “My journey to Earth from Kalkuhl 8 began in 1905, Earth time. I put on the dress that was popular at the time.”

“But, Doll Aurora, if you cannot exceed four times the speed of light without getting a ticket, would it not have taken you at least 1.89 million years to get here, since your Galaxy is seven and a half million light years from Earth? How could you shorten that trip to just 104 years, and how do you stay young looking after the passage of such a long period of time?”.

“Hooknose McGee,” replied Doll Aurora, “I have a time accelerator on my space module. It can maneuver the space module through large clusters of time through the modification of light frequencies. And during the journey, I am in a soundproof pressurized glass booth, in a state of suspended animation, so I only age a couple of weeks during the entire trip. I was awakened by the space module auto-pilot system a few thousand galaxies away from Earth in order to send the genetic code of my daughter Bennie Fitz to arrive 25 years ahead of me.”

The manager of Dinah’s, Abdul Rahmeen, brought a 10 X 14 photograph of Hooknose McGee wearing a dark Olympic sweatshirt to the red booth where the three guests were enjoying their Dinah Burgers. “Hooknose McGee, my office manager printed out a copy of your blog picture. Will you please autograph it before I add it to our celebrity wall?”.

“Sure,” Hooknose McGee replied. “Janet, can I borrow your ink pen, please?”.

“Yes,” Janet replied, handing over her Sharp ballpoint pen. Hooknose McGee scrawled on the color picture, printed out by inkjet printer, “To Dinah’s, where the food is always out of this world. The Secretary of The Button, Hooknose McGee.”

Earline brought the large gourmet apple pancake to the red booth and cut three slices, placing the serrated cutting knife on the table beside the large porcelain plate. The large gourmet apple pancake was toasted to a golden brown and had a strong aroma of brown sugar and apples. “Janet, you need to drown this in maple syrup,” Hooknose McGee advised, drawing on his 13 years’ experience of pigging out at Dinah’s that were ended by thousands of miles and poverty.

“Doll Aurora,” Hooknose McGee stated, “I love you for your money.” Doll Aurora gave no visible response, but seemed to be really enjoying the large gourmet apple pancake drenched in maple syrup. She took a long swig of coffee from her white porcelain coffee mug with the Dinah’s monogram emblem etched on it.

“Do you love me, Hooknose McGee?” Janet Evans asked, concerned. She had a sense of trepidation that when the post-Button Push celebration meal was over, Hooknose McGee might leave with Doll Aurora on a long space flight, leaving Janet Evans to wait on tables for two years to pay for the hazardous materials team to clean up the site of the space ship landing.

“Janet, I love you with agape love,” Hooknose McGee said calmly. “I will always have a place for you in my Olympic scrapbook. But my love for you could never compare with how much I love large gourmet apple pancakes from Dinah’s. Olympic champions are cranked out by the dozen, but there is only one Dinah‘s.”

“Ah ah ah!” admonished Doll Aurora, waving her finger from side to side in the newsletter editor‘s face. “Hooknose McGee, look at me!” Doll Aurora ordered sternly. “Didn’t I tell you there were 70,000 branches of Dinah’s Restaurant within 28 light years of Earth? Huh? Answer me, you dyslexic Button Pusher, you!”.

Hooknose McGee felt genuinely scolded, and cringed in the red booth. He put down his fork, and spoke in a quiet timid drawl, “Oh, darn, I forgot about that. But you know, Doll Aurora, we people of Planet Earth need constant supervision. I mean, look at how many big red stop signs we have. People would not know how to go from one block to the next if there was no sign there directing them what to do.”

Just then, the President of Santa Monica Bank, Henry Kaspryak, accompanied by JBQ, came to the red booth where the three guests were enjoying their large gourmet apple pancake. Through the large plate glass window, rain could be seen cascading down from the sky in torrents. The two visitors to the red booth were dressed in three-piece suits. Mr. Kaspryak said, “Doll Aurora, we were facing some tough years ahead before our global economy recovers. Thank you very much for going on a very long trip through space to bring us 24,353 trillion dollars. I think we can get back on our feet now. As a token of our appreciation to you and the Universal InterGalactic Bank for reaching out to the people of Earth, it is our honor to present you with this plastic card imprinted with the name 'Doll Aurora' which is a lifetime pass to any Dinah's anywhere in the Universe. Also, we would like to present you with this Santa Monica Bank coffee mug with a $2 bill encased in the transparent wall."

"Thank you, Mr. Kaspryak," Doll Aurora said, her eyes lighting up. "This lifetime pass to Dinah's will really come in handy."

Mr. Kaspryak bowed to Doll Aurora, and then turned his attention to Hooknose McGee. "Honorable Mr. Secretary, on behalf of a grateful nation and Planet, and in recognition of you successfully pushing The Button and rescuing the World from economic collapse, it is with great pleasure that I present you with this small token of our appreciation.”

Mr. Kaspryak handed the award to be bestowed on the Secretary of The Button over to JBQ. JBQ sat the award on the edge of the table, and said, “Honorable Mr. Secretary, we know you did what you did out of duty, and not for material gain. So there is no sense in giving you a trillion dollars out of the 24,353 trillion that accrues to our struggling Planet. Instead, we show our gratitude by presenting you with this commemorative Santa Monica Bank coffee mug with the newly-minted $2 bill encased in the transparent wall, which is identical to the one we presented to Doll Aurora.”

Hooknose McGee, caught off guard and trying to be modest about following the rehearsed plan precisely as he sat nervously in front of the Red Button and the Green Button, stated humbly, in much the same manner that Jim Thorpe had answered the King of Sweden after winning the Olympic pentathlon, “Thanks, JBQ.” JBQ and Mr. Kaspryak bowed cordially to the three guests sitting in the red booth, and quietly left the dining area.

“Congratulations, dear,” Doll Aurora said.

“I will never forget you,” Janet Evans said, reaching for another delicious bite of the large gourmet apple pancake.

“Do you mean me, or the pancake?” asked Hooknose McGee, feeling insecure.

“Why, the pancake, of course!” Janet Evans replied, laughing.

“Doll Aurora,” Hooknose McGee asked, hoping for a guided tour of Doll Aurora’s space ship, “Will you please give Janet and I a short ride in your space module? Maybe we could land on the moon and see what space travel is like.”

“I will be happy to take you on a round trip to the moon,” Doll Aurora stated, proud to show off the advanced technology of her home planet.

Just then an announcement came over the intercom of Dinah’s Restaurant, “Attention in the Dining Area! Will the owner of a large green and purple space ship from another Galaxy please remove your vehicle immediately? Your parking lights are on and your space ship is taking up nine parking spaces!”

Hooknose McGee exited the Red Booth and walked over to the Dinah’s Karaoke Stage. He picked up the microphone. “Testing. Testing. Ladies and gentlemen, can you give it up for Janet Evans and Doll Aurora?” Hooknose McGee said, pointing to the Red Booth where the two famous women were seated.

The audience applauded reservedly. A murmur echoed around the restaurant, something to the effect of “We have heard of the blithe and bonnie swimmer Janet Evans, but who is Doll Aurora, and why is she staring back at me like that?”.

Abdul Rahmeen dimmed the lights in Dinah’s Restaurant. Hooknose McGee began to sing the altered lyrics of an old gospel classic.

Amazing Glaze

Amazing glaze!
How sweet when browned!
And so divine to eat!
Dinah Burger with fries
No matter who buys
Makes the meal complete!

A purple and green
Flying Machine
Landed in Westchester Town
It brought the truth
To a red, red booth
Dressed in an heirloom gown

At Dinah’s front door, I
First saw Doll Aurora
She did not give me a hug
But Santa Monica Bank
Found two people to thank
With a plastic $2 mug

Amazing glaze!
How sweet when browned!
And so divine to eat!
If you find truth
In a red, red booth
Please save me a Seat!

The mystery of what happens to left over hamburger buns after the hamburger and ketchup is consumed was solved. They were thrown at Hooknose McGee as he replaced the microphone on its stand and returned to the Red Booth to rejoin Janet Evans and Doll Aurora.

Doll Aurora summoned Earline to the red booth. “Here, dear, is a $1000 Kalkhul 8 gold coin with the image of the National Clonery on the front as a tip for your excellent service. Can I please have a take-out container for the small amount of apple pancake that is left over? Thanks.”

“I will be right back with a doggie bag,” Earline replied with a smile, clutching the gold Clonery coin tightly in her palm.

(c) 2009 by Hooknose McGee

Doll Aurora Calls Hooknose McGee On The Red Telephone

Feature Articles:

Doll Aurora Calls Hooknose McGee On The Red Telephone
(posted June 1, 2009)

Duncan Crashes The Party
(posted June 2, 2009)


Doll Aurora Calls Hooknose McGee On The Red Telephone

The Red Telephone rang. I was expecting to be contacted any day now by representatives from the Intergalactic Federation of Banking to be coached through the big button push that would lead to a big donation from a caring Intergalactic Bank showing compassion to the struggling people of Planet Earth. I waited for the second ring.

I picked up the receiver. "Hello, this is Hooknose McGee speaking."

“Hooknose McGee, good morning,” I was greeted by the caller. “This is Doll Aurora. I wanted to go over with you the logistics of our symbolic gesture of good will to Planet Earth.”

“Great,” responded Hooknose McGee. “I have been anticipating a call from your people. Where are you calling from?”.

“I am in an advanced space transportation craft in Earth’s atmosphere, somewhere between the surface of the Earth and the Space Station, just treading space, so to speak.” The personable tone of Doll Aurora’s voice began to put Hooknose McGee at ease.

“How far away is your home planet?” inquired Hooknose McGee, “And are you homesick?”.

“My home planet is called Kalkuhl 8 in the Galaxy 80M,“ Doll Aurora stated with an animated voice that showed pride in her heritage, “And it is seven and a half million light years from Earth. But I have unlimited minutes here in my space module, so this phone call only runs me four cents a minute.”

“Well, Doll Aurora, it is an honor to get to talk to someone as personable as you from so far away,” Hooknose McGee stated, relieved that Doll Aurora was not pressured to jet through the phone call in order to keep expenses down. “Can you fax me a picture of you, so I know what you look like?

“Of course, I can!” Doll Aurora said. “Check your fax machine.”

Hooknose McGee waited for the droning fax machine to feed a sheet of paper through. The fax machine crackled to life and in 15 seconds, a page printed out. Hooknose McGee picked it up and studied the photograph of Doll Aurora.

“Are there any more at home like you?” asked Hooknose McGee. “You are really nice looking.”

“Thank you, Hooknose McGee,” Doll Aurora said, pleased to be complimented. “As a matter of fact, I have 114 sisters, because I am a clone of a clone. On our planet, Kalkuhl 8, we have A & W Root Beer Drive-Ins, just like you all used to have back in the 1960’s, and Roy Orbison’s song ‘Only The Clonely’ is forever playing on the jukebox. It is one of my favorites, along with Kathy Young’s ‘A Thousand Stars’.”

“Our taste in music is similar!” Hooknose McGee noted. “Do you like to jog? We could go to Dinah’s for a large gourmet apple pancake sometime! I’ll check my date book to see if I have any upcoming vacancies! I’ll put you on my Preferred List Of Hot Dates I Have Not Gone On Yet And Probably Never Will, somewhere between Princess Carol The Tenth and Janet Evans!” Hooknose McGee was all keyed up to set aside time in his busy schedule for a long distance romance, a very very long distance romance.

“I am married, you naive dolt!” Doll Aurora said, indignantly. “My husband is a Space Patrolman who writes tickets for intergalactic ships that exceed four times the speed of light.”

“Oh, all right, Doll Aurora,” Hooknose McGee replied, sadly. “I’ll try to act more professional. I am, after all, a talented button pusher in total control of my emotions. I have no attachment to material things. I have no unrealistic fantasies about girls from other worlds. But I will always treasure the picture of yourself that you faxed to me.”

“Very well, then,” stated Doll Aurora. “Let me now proceed to fully inform you about the transfer of all the money in the Universe for a very brief time to a small bank in California.”

“I am ready to hear it. I have cleared my conscious mind of all emotions and distractions.” Hooknose McGee was ready to hear the details of the big deposit from the Universal Intergalactic Bank.

“Consider the dimensions of the United States one dollar bill,” stated Doll Aurora. “It is 6 and 1/16 inches long and 2-1/2 inches wide. If you lay these bills end to end, it will take, lengthwise, 10,472 of them to stretch a mile. Width-wise, 25,344 of them are required to stretch for one mile. Therefore, a square mile of one dollar bills consists of 265,421,994 one dollar bills. Do you follow this description?”.

“Yes,” Hooknose McGee replied, “I can envision precisely what you are saying.”

“Freshly-minted one dollar bills need to be stacked 4882 inches high to reach the one million bill level,” Doll Aurora continued. “This means that it will take 12.978 million one dollar bills stacked one on top of the other to reach a mile high. Therefore, a cubic mile of one dollar bills will amount to 344 trillion dollars.”

“And how much will this cubic mile of one dollar bills weigh?” asked Hooknose McGee.

“379 million tons, Hooknose McGee,” answered Doll Aurora. “If you manage to allow a maximum of one second of interest to accrue from the Big Deposit when you press that red Deposit button, the amount of interest earned, and that will be turned over to the Earth, will be 31,628 trillion one dollar bills, which obviously will be about 95 cubic miles of one dollar bills. Do you think you can handle that?”.

“No, I cannot handle that,” answered Hooknose McGee. "But I can endeavor to keep the interest at one second or less. I would hate for any major city to be hit by a wall of 95 cubic miles of one dollar bills.”

“It could be devastating, Hooknose McGee. What is going to happen is, from my space module at my current location, about 135 miles above the Earth’s surface, a laser beam will zone in on the soundproof glass booth you will be situated in on the front lawn of Santa Monica Bank. At 9:00 a.m. on June 1, 2009, I will transmit the laser signal that will cause the Yellow Funds Available light to illuminate. When it comes on, you will have three seconds, and then the red Deposit light will illuminate. Your mission is to press the red Deposit button quickly and then as quickly as possible press the green Withdrawal button. Are these directions clear?”.

“Yes, Doll Aurora,” Hooknose McGee answered, humbled by the magnitude of the task before him. “I appreciate you traveling so far to help out our fledgling planet. You are more than kind.”

“Well, it took a while to scrape this vigintillion dollars together,” Doll Aurora stated, cheerfully. “We just try to use it in constructive ways for the good of all people everywhere.”

“Will I see Earth’s banks being taken over by the Universal Intergalactic Bank in the months ahead?” asked Hooknose McGee.

“No, dear. Here on Planet Kalkuhl 8, we are a kind and benevolent people. We do altruistic deeds.” Doll Aurora spoke highly of her home planet.

“Have you tried the large gourmet apple pancake at Dinah’s?” Hooknose McGee asked, hopefully.

“Nice try, Hooknose McGee. Now you have a nice day, and stay calm. I am counting on you.” Then Doll Aurora hung up the phone.

Duncan Crashes The Party

Hooknose McGee slowly replaced the Red Telephone receiver in its receptacle after the call from Doll Aurora concluded. In just three hours, he thought, I will be sitting in front of the red Deposit button and the green Withdrawal button. Doll Aurora had rekindled the fire. Now, let’s burn down the laser beam. A knock came suddenly at the front door of the storage shed. Hooknose McGee opened the door to see who was calling.

“Duncan! I hardly recognized you! What a surprise! I was not expecting to see you here,” Hooknose McGee said, not really knowing how to fit a visitor into his busy schedule.

“Hey, Hooknose McGee, I just stopped in to pay homage on my way to work, since this is on my way.” Duncan bowed facetiously as though worshipping the Button God. “I know you are facing an ordeal, and I think you need to lighten up and not take this whole thing so seriously. Look, I have brought a bottle of Wild Turkey 101!”. Duncan held up the large, still-sealed bottle of Wild Turkey and shook its amber contents from side to side.

“Hey! Hey! Hey!” Duncan said. “You shouldn’t be so nervous. You’ve got to mellow out before you go into that booth, or you might not be able to face the pressure. Tell you what. Why don’t we just go have breakfast at Dinah’s and you can walk back? My treat. My car is right over there. You get door to door service! I’ll have you back before the action begins. You don’t have to walk back, I was just joking. My boss is out today, so I can show up late if I feel like it. An old trick I learned from Jane. What do you say?”.

Hooknose McGee felt he could use the moral support in his darkest hour. Maybe throwing back a couple shots of Wild Turkey might bring those ominous buttons into better focus. Besides, he was hungry and looked forward to free breakfast.

Just then the Red Telehone rang. “Duncan, come in for a minute while I take this important phone call,” Hooknose McGee swung open the door to the storage shed and directed Duncan to have a seat on an antiquated ATM positioned against the wall of the storage shed. Duncan sat down, placing the plain brown wrapper containing the bottle of Wild Turkey next to his Reebok javelin thrower shoes on the concrete floor. His Hawaiian shirt clashed with his purple pants with the white stripes down the seams.

“Hey, I’m in a rush!” Hooknose McGee blurted into the mouthpiece of the Red Telephone, starting to get stressed out. “Who is it? I have a visitor and I‘m putting you on speakerphone!”.

“Hooknose McGee?” the timid voice inquired softly. “This is Mehta Zulah from the Galaxy C10. I just signed on with Intergalactic Accord, the dating service. Doll Aurora gave me your number. She is kind of spoken for, you know. I like space walks, time travel, visiting the PEZ museum, and Dinah burgers.”

“Two out of four ain’t bad,” Hooknose McGee mused. “I love Dinah burgers, and I would like to travel through time, too. I would need to get to know you first, and I really like Doll Aurora. In fact, I plan on taking her away from her husband. How old are you, Mehta Zulah?”.

“Doll Aurora has kept you in the dark a little, Hooknose McGee,” Mehta Zulah confided. “Doll Aurora is a little bit ditzy. She is not married. But I am not trying to play Pez Cupid here. You should be open to dating others, not just tunnel-vision hot-blooded Doll Aurora. Do you realize there are more than 70,000 Dinah Restaurant locations just within 28 lights years of Planet Earth? Places you could meet the Intergalactic girl of your dreams. But back to me. I am 1173 years old. Hold on, you have an incoming fax.”

Hooknose McGee turned to Duncan. “To paraphrase Hamlet's advice to Horatio, there are more fans of Pez containers and Dinah burgers than are written down in the lid of our lunch boxes. Duncan, there is a frontier out there that far outshines that little sortie we took to the moon seven years from now. I know that sounds like an anachronism now, but we have buttons to push and Intergalactic beauties to win over.”

A high pitched sound, which required fax machine engineers eleven years to perfect, echoed through the metallic storage shed. A printed page fell into the paper tray. Duncan picked it up. His hands were shaking. He was stunned into silence.

Hooknose McGee took the faxed page from Duncan’s trembling hands. Duncan’s face was pale, and he was visibly shaken. Hooknose McGee looked down at the image on the page and braced himself against the wall of the storage shed to keep from falling over. “Oh, my stars and garters!” Hooknose McGee winced, his face contorted in pain. “She is a like a giant insect that might bite, and must be 40 feet tall! I could not share a large gourmet apple pancake with her, because after one chomp, there would be nothing left!”.

“It’s the same result every time,” Mehta Zulah lamented, the speaker phone broadcasting her swan song. “I put my best 17 feet forward, and this is what happens. You men are all alike. Doesn’t a girl’s character count for anything anymore? Hey, I can cook Dinah burgers! And I make beautiful Pez chain necklaces.”

Hooknose McGee said, “Mehta Zulah, if you are looking for Mr. Right, you came to the wrong place. And please, please, take me off that Intergalactic telemarketing list. I will never do enough on Earth to travel in space. Bye now.” Hooknose McGee replaced the receiver of the Red Telephone.

Duncan and Hooknose McGee got into Duncan’s compact car and fastened their seat belts. They headed for the 405 Freeway and the sustenance that a good meal at Dinah’s could bring.

Duncan, regaining his composure after viewing Mehta Zulah’s faxed picture, was quick to bring Hooknose McGee back to the matter at hand. “This is no time for a pity party, Hooknose McGee. All of this hermit syndrome you have been falling back on to hit those buttons just right might not get it for you, buddy. You listen to ME, the Village Idiot. I might talk too much, but I know what I’m talking about. You need guidance. You need a mentor. Your spiritual leader is at the wheel. You need to let me guide you right through this dangerous obstacle course until you see the finish tape just over the crest of the next hill. I did not show up at your storage shed door by accident.”

Hooknose McGee was curious about what motivated Duncan to step forward during this crisis. “Well, Duncan, if you are going to show me the end of the ordeal just over the next hill, how are you yourself going to make it up that hill?”. Hooknose McGee fidgeted nervously in the passenger seat of Duncan’s auto, wondering what in Centinela and Sepulveda was going on.

“Here’s the deal, Hooknose McGee,” Duncan explained. “In the past, you have demonstrated to us all that you can hack it all by yourself. You are very independent. But this time, buddy, you are in over your head. I never showed up before because you did not need me. But this is a horse of a different color. This is Button Push and beyond.”

“Beyond?” Hooknose McGee asked, puzzled by the implications of that code word.

“I know you like Wild Turkey,” Duncan stated, proud as any American of the vintage whiskey. “Together, we could open a chain of drinking establishments throughout the country that cater to low lifes like us, so these could never be called high-class joints. Call them ‘The Red Button’ and ‘The Green Button’. Something simple, like the common Village Idiot like me, or recluse like you, can relate to. We could sell a lot of Wild Turkey and White Russians. We would make millions every week. No more 9:00 to 5:00 and being in the pressure cooker. All you gotta do, Hooknose McGee, is use your head for once, just one solitary time. It would be a first! When you push the first button, the red one, delay a little. Make it look good. Hey, we are talking 31,628 trillion dollars in one second. I have a team of greenback trash collectors with large black garbage bags from the Dollar Store already assembled, ready to scoop up shovels full of those one dollar bills.”

Duncan parked his compact car in the Dinah’s parking lot and they went inside for breakfast. The waitress, Earline, brought to their imitation-red-leather upholstered booth generous helpings of eggs and bacon, hash browns, hotcakes, and Dinah’s freshly brewed coffee, high test. Duncan slipped a shot of Wild Turkey into each coffee cup that was poured for Hooknose McGee, telling Earline, “Keep those refills coming in!“.

“Duncan,” Hooknose McGee observed, “I commend you for your community service. But isn’t it odd that your stretch of Adopt A Mile on the 405 Freeway is right where tons of money is predicted to fall out of the sky when I press the Red and Green buttons?”.

“What a coincidence!” Duncan feigned surprise. “I had never made that connection, I was just trying to give back to the community. Oh, well, it just goes to show you can’t make everybody happy all the time. Would you like for me to resign from this mile and adopt another mile?”.

“Somehow, Duncan,” Hooknose McGee replied, “I just never thought of you as a miler. By the way, there is an old joke we never finished. What did one bus say to the other?”

“I don’t know, but I have waited seven years to find out,” Duncan replied, curious.

“What do they think we are, Greyhounds?” Hooknose McGee replied.

Duncan dropped off Hooknose McGee in front of Santa Monica Bank at 8:40 a.m. Hooknose McGee ducked into the storage shed and picked up the Red Telephone. He pressed the Redial button.

“Doll Aurora here,” the lilting voice answered.

“Hello, Doll Aurora. This is Hooknose McGee, and I just had a couple of shots of Wild Turkey because the Village Idiot showed up and took me to breakfast at Dinah’s. Now I am not sure my reflexes will be fast enough to press the Red and Green buttons in under one second. I feel sluggish. Can we delay the Big Deposit until noon, like in the old westerns?”.

“Do you have any idea, Hooknose McGee, what Janet Evans’s appearance fee is?” Doll Aurora asked, her voice rising. "She is a motivational speaker, for crying out loud! And everyone who sees CNN has scheduled their entire week around this Button Push happening at 9:00 a.m. this morning. The National Guard is out in force to protect people from falling greenbacks. Windows have been boarded up in New Orleans. They are dancing in the streets in Detroit and San Francisco. All the airports are shut down and the radar is scanning the skies over America for falling debris. There is no rescheduling. So the verdict is that the Secretary of The Button will be in the booth, ready for the Big Deposit transaction, at 8:55 a.m. on standby. Do you understand me, Hooknose McGee?”.

“Loud and clear, Sweetie,” replied Hooknose McGee docilely.

“Shut up!” replied Doll Aurora. “This is like an Ivory Tower up here. We are never going to meet. I was lying about being married. I am single.”

Hooknose McGee was suddenly inspired to sober up and make the whole world proud of how quick he could push two little tiny Red and Green buttons. No biggie. “Doll Aurora, our tryst would be the first ever Intergalactic romance. But we would have to go out in your space module, since I do not have a car.”

“You just do what you are supposed to do, Secretary of The Button, and we might just work something out,” Doll Aurora said, encouragingly. And it just might have worked.

Hooknose McGee stepped ceremoniously into the soundproof glass booth at 8:55 a.m. and put on his earphones. “All systems go, Doll Aurora,” he said with caution.

“Check,” Doll Aurora replied. “Stand by to push.”

“Roger,” replied Hooknose McGee.

Hooknose McGee looked to his right. Seated in the adjacent soundproof glass booth, and wearing head phones, was Janet Evans. He waved to the Olympic swimming champion. Janet Evans nodded her head, but did not smile or wave back. Hooknose McGee felt reassured that the wise politicians in Washington had kept their end of the bargain. Hooknose McGee glanced at his Timex Triathlon watch with the red band. It read 8:59 and 14 seconds. He gazed intently at the Yellow Funds Available button on the Control Panel before him.

Moments later, the Yellow Funds Available light illuminated. Hooknose McGee placed his hand about three inches above the Red Deposit button, prepared to press it when it became illuminated. “One thousand one, one thousand two,” Hooknose McGee silently recited to himself.

The Red Deposit button lit up. Hooknose McGee pressed the Red Deposit button and quickly pressed the Green Withdrawal button.

“Point 77 seconds,” the voice of Doll Aurora spoke into Hooknose McGee’s earphones. “Congratulations, Hooknose McGee. I’ll see you at Dinah’s.”

Linda Stouffer shuffled a stack of papers and then looked at the camera from her desk at CNN. “This just in,” she said, in a modulated newscaster voice.

“Hooknose McGee successfully pressed the Red Deposit button and quickly pressed the Green Withdrawal button in a soundproof glass booth on the front lawn of Santa Monica Bank. The elapsed time was 77 hundredths of a second. This equates to 24,353 trillion dollars for Planet Earth.”

In his leather-upholstered swivel chair at his mahogany desk on the 10th Floor of his office building, JBQ breathed a sigh of relief. “The best clerk I ever had,” he said to himself.

Standing in the ditch alongside the busy 405 Freeway, holding a large black garbage bag, Duncan and his renegade team of trash collectors gave a shout of exultation.

In Washington, Senator Richard Shelby gave Senator Harry Reid a high five. “We got it right,” Senator Shelby said, smiling.

In Russellville, Arkansas, Mama Grace turned to Papa Grace and said, “We are proud to have Hooknose McGee in the Grace family.”

In Cullowhee, North Carolina, the Record King opened his storage shed, and said, “I have to find some old scratched up Country records for the Record King Junior.”

In Detroit, the unemployed citizens starting turning over city buses, setting them on fire.

Hooknose McGee took off his earphones and stepped out of the soundproof glass booth, just as Janet Evans was exiting her soundproof glass booth. “Janet, would you like to join Doll Aurora and me at Dinah’s for a Dinah burger and large gourmet apple pancake?” Hooknose McGee asked.

“Sure, why not?” Janet Evans responded.

A black limousine pulled up next to the curb in front of Santa Monica Bank. Hooknose McGee opened the door for Janet Evans. She climbed inside, followed by Hooknose McGee. The door closed and the limousine drove down the street toward the San Diego Freeway.

(c) 2009 by Hooknose McGee

Secretary Of The Button Named By President Obama

Feature Articles:

President Obama Names Hooknose McGee As Secretary Of The Button

Senate Holds Hooknose McGee Confirmation Hearing


Some events of global proportion take place in hushed silence with only a few individuals worldwide having a decision-making role or direct involvement. Billions of lives are forever changed with one stroke of a pen or one push of a button. This is the story of one such event, which unfolded over the course of several weeks, and may end, for better or worse, in the blink of an eye.

President Obama Names Hooknose McGee As Secretary Of The Button

“It is with much enthusiasm, and great expectations,” President Obama informed the nation at a televised Rose Garden announcement, “That I inform the citizens of this great country that our economic woes may soon be a thing of the past. The Universal Intergalactic Bank has for the past two months been in secret negotiations with our own Treasury Department to make a deposit of an unimaginable amount of money in a United States bank for a brief moment of time. In one second, the interest earned by this deposit would be 31,628 trillion dollars. I call on each and every American, and indeed, every inhabitant on Planet Earth, to use this money wisely. I have named Hooknose McGee to be the new Secretary of The Button. On June 1, 2009, at 9:00 a.m. Pacific Standard Time, Hooknose McGee will be seated inside the soundproof glass booth at Santa Monica Bank. When the yellow Funds Available light comes on, Hooknose McGee will have three seconds until the red Deposit button lights up. Then Hooknose McGee will press the red Deposit button, then Hooknose McGee will immediately, as quickly as possible, press the green Withdrawal button. The amount of time that elapses between the pushing of these two buttons will be the amount of time the enormous deposit of Intergalactic funds will earn interest. The interest the deposit funds will earn is only one trillionth of one trillionth of one trillionth of one percent of the principal of one vigintillion dollars, that is a one followed by 63 zeroes, the value of the known Universe.”

“I know there are others out there,” President Obama continued, in a spirit of amelioration, “Now listening to this announcement, who wish that they could be nominated by me to be the Secretary of The Button. But I have full confidence in Hooknose McGee. My decision has been made. This is a historic event. I call on each and every American to let this unprecedented event unfold as I just described. Our world will be a better place for it. And as I have told you repeatedly, please cover your mouth when you cough, so that the spread of the Swine Flu is halted.” The President then left the Rose Garden with aides in tow without taking questions from the Press.

Senate Holds Hooknose McGee Confirmation Hearing

Senator Chris Dodd asked Hooknose McGee the quintessential question. “What qualifies you to push the button that will impact the economic stability of Planet Earth for the next 500 years?”.

“Well, Senator Dodd,” replied Hooknose McGee, straightening out the left sleeve of his NASA T-shirt. “It is a combination of things. I have been pushing buttons since I took typing in junior high school in 1962. I have pushed a lot of buttons in my time. My cousin has a dog named Buttons. I have sewed buttons back on shirts myself when they break off. And I do not have button dyslexia. I can promise the Senate and the American people that I will not confuse the red Deposit button with the green Withdrawal button.”

“Have you given much thought, Hooknose McGee,” asked Senator Reid, “To the consequences of your actions in the event you allow more than one second of time to elapse between the time you press the two critical buttons, the red Deposit button and the green Withdrawal button?”.

“Before you answer that, Hooknose McGee,” interrupted Congressman Barney Frank, “I want to apprise you that each of the four lawmakers here are intentionally articulating the phase ’red Deposit button’ as well as the phrase ’green Withdrawal button’ with the intention of drilling into you, the prospective Secretary of The Button, the nomenclature and the logistics of this extremely critical operation. Failure is not an option, is this understood, Hooknose McGee?”.

“Congressman Frank, relax,” replied Hooknose McGee. “Everything is under control. It is almost as though I am on automatic pilot. Just think of it as a red light. All drivers who stop at a red light, wait there until the light turns green, then they go. So on the big day, in that soundproof glass booth at Santa Monica Bank, I will see the red Deposit light come on, I will press it, then I will press the green Withdrawal light. Just like driving a car. And to answer your question, Senator Reid, regarding the consequences of allowing more than one second to elapse between the two button pushes. Well, no, as a matter of fact, I had not given it much thought. I am much too young to have slow reflexes. Heck, I’m just a pup. It’s too early for me to crawl under the porch. Believe me, Senator Reid, it will all go down in under a second. And if, by some quirk of malfunction or whatever, more than one second of time elapses between the Deposit and the Withdrawal, the amount of money that will be dumped on Planet Earth by our benevolent visitors from another Galaxy will be trillions of tons of money. It could be a fire hazard. It could spawn hurricanes and typhoons. The sky might turn green if trillions of tons of greenbacks are unleashed into the air space over the United States at the push of a button.”

“Hooknose McGee,” Senator Richard Shelby admonished sternly, “You failed to mention the side effects of billions of tons of fumes that would be disseminated by paperback currency ink polluting the air stream and causing congestive problems for the elderly constituents in my jurisdiction. You need to acknowledge that is a viable concern.”

“My response to the questions of this Congressional panel, to this point has been singular,” responded Hooknose McGee, “When I say the elapsed time between the Deposit and the Withdrawal will be less than one second, I mean exactly what I say, Senator Shelby. Your elderly constituents will be back working crossword puzzles and playing shuffleboard in no time. I have a duty to make the Deposit of the Intergalactic Bank funds as brief as possible, because doing otherwise could have a devastating impact on the lives of billions of people on earth. A quick and painless Deposit and Withdrawal is what I am resolved to accomplish. America and the World can depend on me. I am a button pusher for the Ages. No pressure. No pressure. Rest easy, gentlemen, the Rolls Royce of button pushers is in town.”

“Is there anything we can do,” inquired Senator Chris Dodd, “To enable you to perform this task to the best of your ability, and to minimize any chance of foul-up?”.

“Yes, there are a few measures that can and should be taken, in my opinion,” replied the as-yet unconfirmed Secretary of The Button Hooknose McGee. “I have already been through a grilling 14-hour orientation by the Federation of Intergalactic Banking on how to push the red Deposit button and then quickly push the green Withdrawal button. So I am prepared on the big day. But I am not quite in my comfort zone, and I need a few aesthetic adjustments in order to feel perfectly at ease and at a 100 percent confidence level on the morning of June 1, 2009 at Santa Monica Bank.”

“All right, we knew this was coming,” stated Congressman Barney Frank, starting to get annoyed. “Our background investigation suggests that your Comfort Zone is a storage shed and a package of Top Ramen noodles. But we cannot risk anything going wrong, so we need to hear your list of demands, not for your sake, but for the sake of 300 million Americans and 6,783,000,000 people on Earth. So what do you need, Hooknose McGee?”.

“I need a complete makeover,” Hooknose McGee blurted out, seeing his chance of a lifetime to get some major flaws surgically repaired. “Honorable Senators and acceptable Congressman, please see it from my perspective. How can I push THE BUTTON in good conscience when I do not feel totally comfortable with the whole world watching? I want to get my teeth fixed, gold crowns on my ground down molars, and all the misalignment straightened back up. And I will need scalp enhancement surgery for the hair loss of the past 30 years. I need the Government to also step up to the plate now and pay for my long-delayed Princess Carol The Tenth tattoo. I cannot stay at the Beverly Hilton. I need to stay at the storage shed at Santa Monica Bank. Hold on, I’m almost through with my list of things needed to go forward in my Comfort Zone. I need the Government to lean on JBQ hard for that gold Hall of Fame ring he has delayed 15 years awarding to me. Get him for back taxes or something, whatever it takes, I need that ring. I should be wearing it when I press those buttons on June 1, 2009. Also, I have always wanted to meet Janet Evans. If something goes wrong with this procedure, I could die of excessive wealth without ever meeting Janet Evans. So if it please this Congressional panel, I need Janet Evans there for moral support at this big event in a twin soundproof glass booth eight feet away, adjacent to the soundproof glass booth I will be in when that red Deposit light comes on. Now, one final thing. After this is all over, I want to be taken by limousine from the front lawn of Santa Monica Bank to Dinah’s Restaurant in Westchester for a large gourmet apple pancake and a Dinah burger, and it would be nice if Janet Evans gets to go too. That is all.”

“All? Hooknose McGee, your Wish List may run $70,000 and take a team of a dozen professionals to accomplish. Senator Reid, do we have that much in the General Fund?” asked Senator Richard Shelby.

“This is not a General Fund issue, Senator Shelby, this is a chance in a lifetime for a full recovery for the Global economy. Gentlemen, the wish list of Secretary of the Button To Be Hooknose McGee is hereby granted.” Senator Harry Reid decreed.

(c) 2009 by Hooknose McGee